It’s a phrase you can’t help but hear all the time as a mom of young kids. It’s used when laughing about mud-covered faces. It’s said to explain away a surprisingly loud crash in the playroom. But lately I find it’s uttered all too often to excuse mean, aggressive behavior.
For instance, the other day I took my kids to our local mall playplace. Two young boys were grabbing my kids’ toys and taunting them. Really taunting them. I watched as one little rodent persistently pushed my two-year-old onto the ground. Rather than reprimanding her boys, the mother gave me a knowing look and shrugged as if to say, “You have boys, you understand.” And I do.
I love being a mom of boys. But boys get feisty. (I’ve got a crooked nose and my hubby has got a few knots on the forehead to prove it.)
And moms get tired. (I’ve got the dark circles to prove that.)
But as parents, I think it’s up to us to channel that boyish energy into positive outlets. It’s our job to take these excitable little boys and raise them into respectable—and respectful—young men. Because, let’s face it, while a bad boy may have seemed intriguing, a good guy is who we want our daughters to marry and our grandkids (gulp!) to look up to.
So because boys will be men, I promise I will do everything I can to teach my sons:
• Trust is like the greatest of all Lego towers. It takes time and effort to build, but mere seconds to destroy.
• Superheroes don’t get their power from their muscles alone, but from their intentions.
• There are few things as rewarding as a sense of humor when it’s used to laugh with people, not at them.
• It takes hard work to be a great player, but harder work to be a team player.
• Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
• When chosen carefully, words can be far more powerful than fists, sticks and, yes, even light sabers.
• Get your hands dirty and your dishes/clothes/rooms clean.
• Use curiosity to get into things and creativity to get out of them. (Yep, just like George.)
• Princesses don’t need a prince to save them, but to dance with them. (And listen to them.)
No doubt my boys will break a few valuables, bones and maybe even hearts along the way. But if I can help it—and I believe I can—it won’t be because they didn’t know better.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Why today's young adults leave the church
Many say they find the church judgmental, unwelcoming or irrelevant.
Tonisha Greer, 31, grew up in church. As she went out on her own, God was still important in her life.
Church, not so much.
The single Kansas City, Kan., mother says church focused more on tradition and people telling young people: “You shouldn’t do this.” “When we were your age we didn’t do that.” “You have to dress like this when you come to church.”
“Older members try to push their religion on you,” she says. “But you have to find your own relationship with God and know who he is for yourself.
“You don’t want to be judged when you walk in the church. You want to feel God.”
Although Greer visits churches, she says she’d rather stay home and have her own relationship with God. To get young adults in church, she says, it needs to make them feel welcome, be more open-minded and accept those living worldly lives.
The Barna Group, a Christian polling company based in California, spent five years studying why young Christians like Greer leave church. Teenagers, young adults, parents, youth pastors and senior pastors were interviewed.
The study of young adults focused on those who had been regular churchgoers and then disconnected from the church in their later teen years. It revealed that almost 3 out of every 5 young Christians (59 percent) left permanently or for an extended period of time after age 15.
Researchers found six reasons young adults leave church:
• Churches seem overprotective: Teens and young adults want their faith to connect to the world, but one quarter of 18- to 29-year-olds said that Christians “demonize everything outside the church,” that the church ignores the problems of the real world (22 percent) and that “my church is too concerned that movies, music and video games are harmful” (18 percent).
• Teens’ and young adults’ experience of Christianity is shallow: Many said something was lacking in their church experience: “it’s boring”; “it’s not relevant to my career or interests”; “the Bible is not taught clearly or often enough” and “God seems missing from my church experience.”
• Churches come across as antagonistic to science: Three out of 10 young adults said “churches are out of step with the scientific world” and “Christianity is anti-science” and 23 percent said they have been turned off by the creation versus evolution debate.
• Their church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic and judgmental: Many young adults struggle with how to live up to the church’s expectations of chastity and sexual purity in this culture. Research indicates that most young Christians are as sexually active as their non-Christian peers. Among Catholics, 40 percent of young adults said the church’s “teachings on sexuality and birth control are out of date.”
• They wrestle with the exclusive nature of Christianity: Younger Americans have been shaped by a culture that esteems open-mindedness, tolerance and acceptance, and they want to find common ground with people who are different from themselves. Three out of 10 young Christians said “churches are afraid of the beliefs of other faiths,” and 22 percent said the “church is like a country club, only for insiders.”
• The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt: Young Christian adults say the church does not allow them to express doubts. This includes “not being able to ask my most pressing life questions in church” (36 percent) and having “significant intellectual doubts about my faith” (23 percent).
Mark Regnerus, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, says the number of churchgoing young adults has been low for a long time, but fewer are coming back than in previous generations.
“A lot of young adults come back when they marry,” he says. “But they are not marrying as young and not having children as young as they used to. If they have children when in their mid-30s, that’s a longer time before coming back, and it’s harder to come back.”
When they do return, they tend to go to evangelical churches, which generally have a younger average age than mainline churches, or they gravitate to those churches that specialize in reaching the youth crowd.
Ben Avila, who worked nine years with young adults at Sheffield Family Life Center in Kansas City, says the church tends to rely heavily on programs, but young adults don’t want programs. They want community with one another.
“In the world, people crave the latest fad, but when they go to church they want something to meet the longings of their hearts,” he says. “They want to know that God is real.
“The college-age group is independent. They have so much at their fingertips. They are saying, ‘Give me what’s real.’ ”
The Rev. Michael Brooks, pastor of Zion Grove Missionary Baptist Church in Kansas City, says many people in his generation between 45 and 60 years old are the parents of these young adults.
Many middle-agers rebelled against the church, their parents and authority in their youth, he says, some of them after they found out that some church leaders were not living a Christian life. But many still believed in God.
Now, churches need to deal with that middle-aged group.
“Many (middle-age people) are coming back to church, but they are not bringing their kids and grandkids. Fixing the family is the key,” Brooks says.
“When the middle-age group left the church in their youth they had a free-for-all and did it in front of their kids. The kids need to see a change in (their parents) and a deeper commitment when they return to church. They need to see them living the Christian life.”
To minister to young adults, the church has to be welcoming and friendly.
“Their experience when they come to church makes a difference,” he says.
The Protestant church has a mostly older membership, says the Rev. Karen Nyhart, associate minister of Old Mission United Methodist Church in Fairway. Many young adults don’t feel a bond; they say this is my mother’s church or my grandmother’s church, she says.
And when young adults do return to church, the church often doesn’t get them involved.
“We forget they have a lot to bring to the table, and they are not included,” Nyhart says. “When we have a project, we usually think of people who have always done it.
“We need to look for people who want to get to know them, to plug them into the life of the church. Action-oriented ministries are important to them.
“We should ask them what they want. A lot of times we plan things for them that they may not be interested in.”
One ministry that has seen success is the contemporary worship service at 9:45 a.m.
“Teens and young adults go to that service,” she says. “It’s a casual atmosphere; people can wear jeans and T-shirts, and no one looks down on them. A discussion time is part of the service, so people can say what they feel.”
Tim Volk, director of youth ministry at St. Therese Catholic Church in Parkville, says it is important for the youth to get involved in a strong youth ministry when they go to college. Then there is less falling away from the church, he says.
“But if they don’t get in such a group, their faith often is put on the back burner,” he says. “The next time you see them may be when they come home for a break and then when they get married.
“Ideally, there needs to be a full-time ministry that will help support the high school ministry and a young adult ministry,” he says. “A lot has to do with staying connected with them.”
Church, not so much.
The single Kansas City, Kan., mother says church focused more on tradition and people telling young people: “You shouldn’t do this.” “When we were your age we didn’t do that.” “You have to dress like this when you come to church.”
“Older members try to push their religion on you,” she says. “But you have to find your own relationship with God and know who he is for yourself.
“You don’t want to be judged when you walk in the church. You want to feel God.”
Although Greer visits churches, she says she’d rather stay home and have her own relationship with God. To get young adults in church, she says, it needs to make them feel welcome, be more open-minded and accept those living worldly lives.
The Barna Group, a Christian polling company based in California, spent five years studying why young Christians like Greer leave church. Teenagers, young adults, parents, youth pastors and senior pastors were interviewed.
The study of young adults focused on those who had been regular churchgoers and then disconnected from the church in their later teen years. It revealed that almost 3 out of every 5 young Christians (59 percent) left permanently or for an extended period of time after age 15.
Researchers found six reasons young adults leave church:
• Churches seem overprotective: Teens and young adults want their faith to connect to the world, but one quarter of 18- to 29-year-olds said that Christians “demonize everything outside the church,” that the church ignores the problems of the real world (22 percent) and that “my church is too concerned that movies, music and video games are harmful” (18 percent).
• Teens’ and young adults’ experience of Christianity is shallow: Many said something was lacking in their church experience: “it’s boring”; “it’s not relevant to my career or interests”; “the Bible is not taught clearly or often enough” and “God seems missing from my church experience.”
• Churches come across as antagonistic to science: Three out of 10 young adults said “churches are out of step with the scientific world” and “Christianity is anti-science” and 23 percent said they have been turned off by the creation versus evolution debate.
• Their church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic and judgmental: Many young adults struggle with how to live up to the church’s expectations of chastity and sexual purity in this culture. Research indicates that most young Christians are as sexually active as their non-Christian peers. Among Catholics, 40 percent of young adults said the church’s “teachings on sexuality and birth control are out of date.”
• They wrestle with the exclusive nature of Christianity: Younger Americans have been shaped by a culture that esteems open-mindedness, tolerance and acceptance, and they want to find common ground with people who are different from themselves. Three out of 10 young Christians said “churches are afraid of the beliefs of other faiths,” and 22 percent said the “church is like a country club, only for insiders.”
• The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt: Young Christian adults say the church does not allow them to express doubts. This includes “not being able to ask my most pressing life questions in church” (36 percent) and having “significant intellectual doubts about my faith” (23 percent).
Mark Regnerus, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, says the number of churchgoing young adults has been low for a long time, but fewer are coming back than in previous generations.
“A lot of young adults come back when they marry,” he says. “But they are not marrying as young and not having children as young as they used to. If they have children when in their mid-30s, that’s a longer time before coming back, and it’s harder to come back.”
When they do return, they tend to go to evangelical churches, which generally have a younger average age than mainline churches, or they gravitate to those churches that specialize in reaching the youth crowd.
Ben Avila, who worked nine years with young adults at Sheffield Family Life Center in Kansas City, says the church tends to rely heavily on programs, but young adults don’t want programs. They want community with one another.
“In the world, people crave the latest fad, but when they go to church they want something to meet the longings of their hearts,” he says. “They want to know that God is real.
“The college-age group is independent. They have so much at their fingertips. They are saying, ‘Give me what’s real.’ ”
The Rev. Michael Brooks, pastor of Zion Grove Missionary Baptist Church in Kansas City, says many people in his generation between 45 and 60 years old are the parents of these young adults.
Many middle-agers rebelled against the church, their parents and authority in their youth, he says, some of them after they found out that some church leaders were not living a Christian life. But many still believed in God.
Now, churches need to deal with that middle-aged group.
“Many (middle-age people) are coming back to church, but they are not bringing their kids and grandkids. Fixing the family is the key,” Brooks says.
“When the middle-age group left the church in their youth they had a free-for-all and did it in front of their kids. The kids need to see a change in (their parents) and a deeper commitment when they return to church. They need to see them living the Christian life.”
To minister to young adults, the church has to be welcoming and friendly.
“Their experience when they come to church makes a difference,” he says.
The Protestant church has a mostly older membership, says the Rev. Karen Nyhart, associate minister of Old Mission United Methodist Church in Fairway. Many young adults don’t feel a bond; they say this is my mother’s church or my grandmother’s church, she says.
And when young adults do return to church, the church often doesn’t get them involved.
“We forget they have a lot to bring to the table, and they are not included,” Nyhart says. “When we have a project, we usually think of people who have always done it.
“We need to look for people who want to get to know them, to plug them into the life of the church. Action-oriented ministries are important to them.
“We should ask them what they want. A lot of times we plan things for them that they may not be interested in.”
One ministry that has seen success is the contemporary worship service at 9:45 a.m.
“Teens and young adults go to that service,” she says. “It’s a casual atmosphere; people can wear jeans and T-shirts, and no one looks down on them. A discussion time is part of the service, so people can say what they feel.”
Tim Volk, director of youth ministry at St. Therese Catholic Church in Parkville, says it is important for the youth to get involved in a strong youth ministry when they go to college. Then there is less falling away from the church, he says.
“But if they don’t get in such a group, their faith often is put on the back burner,” he says. “The next time you see them may be when they come home for a break and then when they get married.
“Ideally, there needs to be a full-time ministry that will help support the high school ministry and a young adult ministry,” he says. “A lot has to do with staying connected with them.”
To reach Helen Gray, call 816-234-4446 or email hgray@kcstar.com.
Posted on Fri, Jan. 13, 2012 09:42 PM
Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/01/13/3368548/why-young-adults-leave-the-church.html#storylink=cpy
Monday, June 6, 2011
Learning How to Love
The Art of Learning How to Love
by Joyce Meyer - posted August 15, 2008No matter how long you may live, you'll never stop learning. Every minute of every day brings new opportunities to learn something we've never known before. As long as we're open to receive, God will continue to teach us every day.
I'm still learning, and I know I always will be. What God teaches me every day about love continues to change my life. I've come to the place where I can honestly say, "Lord, eliminate everything in my life that's holding me back. Please take away anything that's keeping me from walking in love and finding true fulfillment in my life." In other words, "Lord, reduce me to love—bring me to a state or condition of walking in love completely!"
One of the most important facets I've learned about love is unselfishness, which is characterized in the Bible as a willingness to sacrifice one's own wishes for those of others. I've learned that true love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people.
It's impossible for people who've truly been reduced to love to be selfish. God has taught them how to be totally adaptable and adjustable to others. Selfish people, on the other hand, have hard hearts. It's very difficult for them to learn anything—especially if it involves self-sacrifice. They expect everyone else to adjust to them and their needs. They simply don't know how to adjust to others without becoming angry or upset.
Learning to adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of others was very difficult for me. To be honest, I wanted my way, and I got upset when I didn't get it. I was selfish! I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it! I couldn't stand having to wait on someone else or bending my own wishes to accommodate someone else's timetable.
But God began to soften my heart, and gradually I learned to see the needs of others. Then God gave me compassion—the heartfelt desire to meet the needs of others first before my own.
Slowly, I became committed to walking in love. I learned to adapt my own needs and desires in order to help meet the needs of others. I learned how to show love in different ways to different people. Not all people need the same thing from us. One of our children, for example, may need more of our personal time than the others. One of our friends may need more encouragement on a regular basis than another. For example, all of my family members need me, my employees need me, my friends need me—and they all need me in different ways.
Do I ever feel too needed? Of course! We all feel overwhelmed from time to time. But I remind myself that God gives me grace for whatever He places in my life, and I'm fortunate to be loved and needed by so many.
If I ever get weary of always trying to be available to meet the needs of others, I remind myself of all the years I lived in selfishness and how unhappy I was. Now I'm just making up for lost time! When I think on this, it doesn't take long for me to adjust my attitude. After all, just telling people "I love you" is not enough. We need to go beyond the words and actually do something to help meet their needs.
My husband, Dave, loves to play golf, so I try to make sure our schedule gives him opportunities to play. But there was a time when it angered me for him to play golf. I was miserable because I hadn't learned to adjust to his needs or desires. I wanted him to make all the adjustments.
I never acknowledged the many ways in which Dave adjusted to my needs. I never saw what he did do—only what he didn't—and it was ruining our relationship. I'm glad that I've learned to adapt and adjust. It was a little hard on me for a while, but it saved our marriage.
Once you've been reduced to love, you'll have no trouble establishing and maintaining good, healthy relationships with others. Your primary goal in life will be to put the wishes of others before your own. You'll learn that true love is all about sacrifice and selfishness will be a thing of the past.
This article is taken from Joyce's audio teaching, Walking in Love.
I'm still learning, and I know I always will be. What God teaches me every day about love continues to change my life. I've come to the place where I can honestly say, "Lord, eliminate everything in my life that's holding me back. Please take away anything that's keeping me from walking in love and finding true fulfillment in my life." In other words, "Lord, reduce me to love—bring me to a state or condition of walking in love completely!"
One of the most important facets I've learned about love is unselfishness, which is characterized in the Bible as a willingness to sacrifice one's own wishes for those of others. I've learned that true love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people.
It's impossible for people who've truly been reduced to love to be selfish. God has taught them how to be totally adaptable and adjustable to others. Selfish people, on the other hand, have hard hearts. It's very difficult for them to learn anything—especially if it involves self-sacrifice. They expect everyone else to adjust to them and their needs. They simply don't know how to adjust to others without becoming angry or upset.
Learning to adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of others was very difficult for me. To be honest, I wanted my way, and I got upset when I didn't get it. I was selfish! I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it! I couldn't stand having to wait on someone else or bending my own wishes to accommodate someone else's timetable.
But God began to soften my heart, and gradually I learned to see the needs of others. Then God gave me compassion—the heartfelt desire to meet the needs of others first before my own.
Slowly, I became committed to walking in love. I learned to adapt my own needs and desires in order to help meet the needs of others. I learned how to show love in different ways to different people. Not all people need the same thing from us. One of our children, for example, may need more of our personal time than the others. One of our friends may need more encouragement on a regular basis than another. For example, all of my family members need me, my employees need me, my friends need me—and they all need me in different ways.
Do I ever feel too needed? Of course! We all feel overwhelmed from time to time. But I remind myself that God gives me grace for whatever He places in my life, and I'm fortunate to be loved and needed by so many.
If I ever get weary of always trying to be available to meet the needs of others, I remind myself of all the years I lived in selfishness and how unhappy I was. Now I'm just making up for lost time! When I think on this, it doesn't take long for me to adjust my attitude. After all, just telling people "I love you" is not enough. We need to go beyond the words and actually do something to help meet their needs.
My husband, Dave, loves to play golf, so I try to make sure our schedule gives him opportunities to play. But there was a time when it angered me for him to play golf. I was miserable because I hadn't learned to adjust to his needs or desires. I wanted him to make all the adjustments.
I never acknowledged the many ways in which Dave adjusted to my needs. I never saw what he did do—only what he didn't—and it was ruining our relationship. I'm glad that I've learned to adapt and adjust. It was a little hard on me for a while, but it saved our marriage.
Once you've been reduced to love, you'll have no trouble establishing and maintaining good, healthy relationships with others. Your primary goal in life will be to put the wishes of others before your own. You'll learn that true love is all about sacrifice and selfishness will be a thing of the past.
This article is taken from Joyce's audio teaching, Walking in Love.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Conversation Starters
I received this great list of Conversation Starters from the All Pro Dads website (subscribe your husband to this weekly email, it's great!). I am thinking this will be a great little "Get to Know You" game for our family, for the road trip we have planned this summer!
Kid Conversation Starters By: Family First Printer Friendly Version
When are you (or have been) most afraid?
What has been the happiest day of your life?
If you could change one thing in the world what would you change?
If you could change one thing about yourself what would you change?
How long should a couple date before they get married?
What does "being in love" mean?
What is the most important thing in your life?
What is the one thing you couldn't live without?
What is your favorite movie of all time? Why?
What is your favorite book of all time? Why?
What cartoon character would you most like to be?
What is the hardest thing about being _____ years old?
What is the best thing about being ______ years old?
Describe your perfect day.
What job would you never want to have?
Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?
Would you rather dive from a high cliff into the ocean, or give a book report in front of 500 kids?
What's your favorite car and why?
Who would you most like to meet?
In what other country would you most like to live?
What things don't boys understand about girls?
What things don't girls understand about boys?
What's easier, math or English?
How much TV should kids your age be allowed to watch each week?
At what age should a child be allowed to see a PG-13 movie? An R movie?
Why do you think people use curse words?
When was the last time you cried? What did you cry about?
Are you looking forward to the next school year?
What's the hardest part about going to school?
What should a parent do when their children don't obey?
If you could have any animal as a pet which would you choose?
Would you like to hear your parents to tell you they love you more often?
What embarrasses you the most?
Is it ever OK to call someone names?
If you could take a family vacation any place in the world, where would you go?
How would you describe God?
Do you think it's more important to be rich, or to be kind?
If you had three wishes, what would they be? (You're not allowed to wish for money or another wish!)
How many children would you like to have one day?
If you were the parent, what lesson would you like to help your mom and dad learn?
Do you know how much your family loves you? How can you tell?
http://www.allprodad.com/playbook/viewarticle.php?art=268
Kid Conversation Starters By: Family First Printer Friendly Version
When are you (or have been) most afraid?
What has been the happiest day of your life?
If you could change one thing in the world what would you change?
If you could change one thing about yourself what would you change?
How long should a couple date before they get married?
What does "being in love" mean?
What is the most important thing in your life?
What is the one thing you couldn't live without?
What is your favorite movie of all time? Why?
What is your favorite book of all time? Why?
What cartoon character would you most like to be?
What is the hardest thing about being _____ years old?
What is the best thing about being ______ years old?
Describe your perfect day.
What job would you never want to have?
Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?
Would you rather dive from a high cliff into the ocean, or give a book report in front of 500 kids?
What's your favorite car and why?
Who would you most like to meet?
In what other country would you most like to live?
What things don't boys understand about girls?
What things don't girls understand about boys?
What's easier, math or English?
How much TV should kids your age be allowed to watch each week?
At what age should a child be allowed to see a PG-13 movie? An R movie?
Why do you think people use curse words?
When was the last time you cried? What did you cry about?
Are you looking forward to the next school year?
What's the hardest part about going to school?
What should a parent do when their children don't obey?
If you could have any animal as a pet which would you choose?
Would you like to hear your parents to tell you they love you more often?
What embarrasses you the most?
Is it ever OK to call someone names?
If you could take a family vacation any place in the world, where would you go?
How would you describe God?
Do you think it's more important to be rich, or to be kind?
If you had three wishes, what would they be? (You're not allowed to wish for money or another wish!)
How many children would you like to have one day?
If you were the parent, what lesson would you like to help your mom and dad learn?
Do you know how much your family loves you? How can you tell?
http://www.allprodad.com/playbook/viewarticle.php?art=268
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Navigating the Teenage Years, by Chris Groff
Parenting teenagers can be challenging! In fact, most parents say these years are the most difficult.It’s not hard to see why! These years take our kids through an emotional, hormonal, and biological overhaul. In addition, teens begin to see their parents' flaws and realize they’re not perfect. They want to try handling things on their own and see if what their parents taught them is really true. In the process, they start to break away and test the boundaries. After years of relative compliance, many parents take this desire for independence personally. They may ask, "What happened to the child who looked up to me and enjoyed spending time with me?" What happened is the individuation process! Individuation is a normal and needed transition. Why? Because God created each of us as unique individuals. This applies to our kids’ faith as well. We cannot have a relationship with God on our kids' behalf. Faith becomes personal as our kids discover who they are and what they believe apart from mom and dad. As our kids try on different "hats" to see which ones fit, parents need to set secure boundaries for them and listen empathetically as they work through the challenges of becoming an adult. The job of parenting teenagers requires us to trade control for influence, and to walk beside them as they make bigger and more significant choices. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate the teenage years. 1.Prepare. When parents understand the developmental changes that are occurring during these years, they are less likely to take their teen’s behavior personally and are better able to be a calm, strong, and empathetic authority. An excellent article on teenage brain development is "Please Excuse the Mess" by Michael Valpy. (www.educ.uvic.ca/epls/faculty/rowles/please.htm). 2.Don’t fear the struggles. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Kids need challenges to mature. In a lot of cases these struggles are gifts from God, and parents can do more good by walking beside their kids as they struggle than they can by rescuing them or providing comprehensive instruction. You should provide only as much help as your kids really need to solve the problem on their own. Teaching your child problem-solving skills is a big part of your job! 3.Adjust your expectations. Your kids are not going to be responsible decision makers overnight. Give them the time and space to learn from their mistakes. When necessary, use consequences to reinforce your value system, but deliver them with empathy. It may help to remember what it was like when you were a teenager. In other words, walk in their shoes! 4.Trust God. As parents, we must focus on helping our kids become the people God created them to be, rather than the people our culture may be telling them to become. Avoid the "success trap" by adopting God’s idea of success and an eternal perspective.5.Make authenticity a priority. Too often, we act differently in public than we do in private. If we want our kids to be authentic, we need to be authentic. This begins with admitting our failures and mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Children typically ignore much of what we say if it’s contrary to what we do!
Chris Groff
Chris Groff
Friday, October 17, 2008
MOTTS Meeting
Who is ready for a MOTTs meeting? Can't believe we haven't done one yet, this school year!!!
Email me and tell me WHICH WEEKDAY MORNING is best for you. I'll get something set up within the next 2 weeks, and will email you when we have the date confirmed. We will meet at Marilu's house this time, very close to school!
email address: vmaduzia@verizon.net
Praying God's blessings on you and your family today!!
Love, Vickie
Email me and tell me WHICH WEEKDAY MORNING is best for you. I'll get something set up within the next 2 weeks, and will email you when we have the date confirmed. We will meet at Marilu's house this time, very close to school!
email address: vmaduzia@verizon.net
Praying God's blessings on you and your family today!!
Love, Vickie
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Help Your Teen Work Through Anger
Printer Friendly Version
Uh-oh, you've got an angry kid on your hands, and you're feeling frustrated and confused. You might be close to anger yourself. At times, you may be afraid of your child's anger. You may even be afraid of your child. Keep in mind that teens can learn everything that an adult can about coping with anger.
Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it sometimes. Learning to manage it is a normal part of growing up, and you, as a parent, are in the best position to help your son or daughter manage their anger.
Anger as a symptom
Anger can be a wonderful emotion. It lets us know that something is wrong. It helps us know when our buttons are being pushed, our values are not being respected, or our boundaries are being crossed. But unresolved anger can make you physically sick, or show up later as a chronic anger problem. Often, people find a way of not feeling the anger: they may get depressed, or use drugs or alcohol, or take up habits like gambling.
Anger is usually a symptom of other underlying emotions. Before people get angry, they have other feelings that are the actual root of their anger: irritation, frustration, fear, dislike.
For example, suppose your daughter discovers the whole class knows she has a crush on a certain boy - and the information came from her best friend. She feels several emotions. Loss: "Now he'll be too embarrassed to ask me out." Hurt: "I trusted her and she spilled my secret." Powerlessness: "I wish I had never told her, but I can't 'unsay' it now, or erase it from everyone's memory." She becomes angry at her friend, not just because of what the friend did, but also because of the consequences to her.
Your daughter will need to deal with all of these feelings at some time in her life. Anger masks the overwhelming combination of these feelings. If you can help her face them, you can help her understand where anger comes from, and help her deal with other situations that make her angry. You can empower her by helping her understand and control her emotions.
Angry thoughts, feelings, actions
The emotion of anger involves thought, feeling, and action. Change any of these and you can take control of anger. For example, when your child does not come home in time for supper, the way you choose to see his behaviour (the thought) will determine how you will feel.
You might think: "That kid doesn't care about the family. He's abused a privilege again." Such thoughts leave you feeling used and not respected. When your son walks in 35 minutes later, the earlier feelings become anger, and you may blow up, shouting things that you don't really mean. The thought drives the feeling, which drives the action.
What if you thought: "This is normal behaviour. All kids will push the boundaries when they're having fun and they've got a curfew?" You might feel frustrated, but you would know that teaching kids to respect the rules is a normal chore that every parent must do, not an injustice visited on you by your particular child. When your kid comes home, you will be asking yourself, "What's the best way to get him to do what the family needs him to do?" You will be likely to choose a more rational way of behaving, based on what you know about your child.
In the same way, you can help an angry child to find another way of thinking about a frustrating situation. Changing the angry thought prevents angry feelings and angry behaviour. But you can also change the situation by working on the other two aspects of anger.
Angry feelings
The starting point in dealing with angry feelings is to name the feeling. You can say to your child, "I can see why you're angry" without judging her. This helps kids to accept where they are, and helps them to learn to recognize and name their feelings.
The goal here is to get at the underlying feelings, but first your child needs to let go of some of the anger. There are many techniques for doing this. These include exercise, massage, hot baths, deep breathing, prayer, meditation, and soothing music.
Teach kids to express their feelings to others in another form: "When you [action] I feel [name emotion]." The daughter in the example on page one could say to her friend: "When you tell my secrets, I feel hurt." With this kind of statement, called an "I" statement, the speaker takes responsibility for her feelings. Point out to your children that no one else can make them angry; no one can make them feel anything. Tell them: "The only person who can change your feelings is you."
Angry actions
Angry actions include angry words (insults, protests), faces (sulking, frowning, glaring) or deeds (punching, slamming doors). All of these actions can hurt others. If kids can learn to pause before they act out anger, they have the chance to examine their angry thoughts and their underlying feelings without the extra stress of dealing with the consequences of their angry actions.
Angry actions are only necessary when our survival is threatened. Sometimes this means psychological survival. If someone keeps hurting your feelings, and you are not able to stop them in any other way, you may have to use angry words. Teach your kids to make sure that they have had time to think about those words, and that they have made a definite decision to use them because nothing else is available.
Cooling down
Tell your kids that the best thing to do when they're angry is to remove themselves from the situation. It is also the best thing to do when someone else is angry. It is difficult to reason with an angry person, and you can't expect yourself or your kids to make good decisions when angry. You cannot teach your child to handle anger better while she or he is angry.
Within the family, you could choose a cool-down signal (like the "T" used to ask for a time-out in basketball and other team sports). This acknowledges that kids are angry, but gives them some responsibility for controlling their anger. You can then give them the time and space to practise a cooling technique, such as deep breathing or counting to 10.
Teach anger management before anger happens
Every time you help kids to understand why they were angry, you're teaching them to handle their feelings better the next time. Understanding begins with acceptance. Kids can accept their anger while they are feeling it. After they cool down, they can understand it. These are steps that you can use to manage anger:
Admit to yourself that you are angry.
Allow yourself to feel anger, without guilt.
Cool the heat.
Write out what you're angry about, what some of the feelings are behind the anger, and what you know about yourself from this incident.
Make a decision about what you want to do about the situation that made you angry.
source: http://parentteacher.aadac.com/parent_info_series/parents3_2.asp
Printer Friendly Version
Uh-oh, you've got an angry kid on your hands, and you're feeling frustrated and confused. You might be close to anger yourself. At times, you may be afraid of your child's anger. You may even be afraid of your child. Keep in mind that teens can learn everything that an adult can about coping with anger.
Anger is a normal emotion. We all feel it sometimes. Learning to manage it is a normal part of growing up, and you, as a parent, are in the best position to help your son or daughter manage their anger.
Anger as a symptom
Anger can be a wonderful emotion. It lets us know that something is wrong. It helps us know when our buttons are being pushed, our values are not being respected, or our boundaries are being crossed. But unresolved anger can make you physically sick, or show up later as a chronic anger problem. Often, people find a way of not feeling the anger: they may get depressed, or use drugs or alcohol, or take up habits like gambling.
Anger is usually a symptom of other underlying emotions. Before people get angry, they have other feelings that are the actual root of their anger: irritation, frustration, fear, dislike.
For example, suppose your daughter discovers the whole class knows she has a crush on a certain boy - and the information came from her best friend. She feels several emotions. Loss: "Now he'll be too embarrassed to ask me out." Hurt: "I trusted her and she spilled my secret." Powerlessness: "I wish I had never told her, but I can't 'unsay' it now, or erase it from everyone's memory." She becomes angry at her friend, not just because of what the friend did, but also because of the consequences to her.
Your daughter will need to deal with all of these feelings at some time in her life. Anger masks the overwhelming combination of these feelings. If you can help her face them, you can help her understand where anger comes from, and help her deal with other situations that make her angry. You can empower her by helping her understand and control her emotions.
Angry thoughts, feelings, actions
The emotion of anger involves thought, feeling, and action. Change any of these and you can take control of anger. For example, when your child does not come home in time for supper, the way you choose to see his behaviour (the thought) will determine how you will feel.
You might think: "That kid doesn't care about the family. He's abused a privilege again." Such thoughts leave you feeling used and not respected. When your son walks in 35 minutes later, the earlier feelings become anger, and you may blow up, shouting things that you don't really mean. The thought drives the feeling, which drives the action.
What if you thought: "This is normal behaviour. All kids will push the boundaries when they're having fun and they've got a curfew?" You might feel frustrated, but you would know that teaching kids to respect the rules is a normal chore that every parent must do, not an injustice visited on you by your particular child. When your kid comes home, you will be asking yourself, "What's the best way to get him to do what the family needs him to do?" You will be likely to choose a more rational way of behaving, based on what you know about your child.
In the same way, you can help an angry child to find another way of thinking about a frustrating situation. Changing the angry thought prevents angry feelings and angry behaviour. But you can also change the situation by working on the other two aspects of anger.
Angry feelings
The starting point in dealing with angry feelings is to name the feeling. You can say to your child, "I can see why you're angry" without judging her. This helps kids to accept where they are, and helps them to learn to recognize and name their feelings.
The goal here is to get at the underlying feelings, but first your child needs to let go of some of the anger. There are many techniques for doing this. These include exercise, massage, hot baths, deep breathing, prayer, meditation, and soothing music.
Teach kids to express their feelings to others in another form: "When you [action] I feel [name emotion]." The daughter in the example on page one could say to her friend: "When you tell my secrets, I feel hurt." With this kind of statement, called an "I" statement, the speaker takes responsibility for her feelings. Point out to your children that no one else can make them angry; no one can make them feel anything. Tell them: "The only person who can change your feelings is you."
Angry actions
Angry actions include angry words (insults, protests), faces (sulking, frowning, glaring) or deeds (punching, slamming doors). All of these actions can hurt others. If kids can learn to pause before they act out anger, they have the chance to examine their angry thoughts and their underlying feelings without the extra stress of dealing with the consequences of their angry actions.
Angry actions are only necessary when our survival is threatened. Sometimes this means psychological survival. If someone keeps hurting your feelings, and you are not able to stop them in any other way, you may have to use angry words. Teach your kids to make sure that they have had time to think about those words, and that they have made a definite decision to use them because nothing else is available.
Cooling down
Tell your kids that the best thing to do when they're angry is to remove themselves from the situation. It is also the best thing to do when someone else is angry. It is difficult to reason with an angry person, and you can't expect yourself or your kids to make good decisions when angry. You cannot teach your child to handle anger better while she or he is angry.
Within the family, you could choose a cool-down signal (like the "T" used to ask for a time-out in basketball and other team sports). This acknowledges that kids are angry, but gives them some responsibility for controlling their anger. You can then give them the time and space to practise a cooling technique, such as deep breathing or counting to 10.
Teach anger management before anger happens
Every time you help kids to understand why they were angry, you're teaching them to handle their feelings better the next time. Understanding begins with acceptance. Kids can accept their anger while they are feeling it. After they cool down, they can understand it. These are steps that you can use to manage anger:
Admit to yourself that you are angry.
Allow yourself to feel anger, without guilt.
Cool the heat.
Write out what you're angry about, what some of the feelings are behind the anger, and what you know about yourself from this incident.
Make a decision about what you want to do about the situation that made you angry.
source: http://parentteacher.aadac.com/parent_info_series/parents3_2.asp
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Creative Discipline
I received this email from a friend today and wanted to share with you.
As we know ... sometimes Parenting a Teenager requires us to put on our Creative Thinking Hat. Check it this Mom's clever approach to a "Teachable Moment" with her son.
This generation of teenagers needs more parents like this one!! YOU GO, MOM !!!
Now, of course there's going to be some people who will perceive this as child abuse or cruelty.
But I call it ....CREATIVE DISCIPLINE! What do you think?
Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of PEACE, for those who have been trained by it.
As we know ... sometimes Parenting a Teenager requires us to put on our Creative Thinking Hat. Check it this Mom's clever approach to a "Teachable Moment" with her son.
This generation of teenagers needs more parents like this one!! YOU GO, MOM !!!Now, of course there's going to be some people who will perceive this as child abuse or cruelty.
But I call it ....CREATIVE DISCIPLINE! What do you think?
Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of PEACE, for those who have been trained by it.
Fearing God
Prov 9:10: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (NIV).
What is your biggest parenting fear? Academic failure? Social rejection? Drug abuse? Sexual impurity? Fear is a powerful motivator, and if we're not careful, we may find ourselves making parenting decisions that are driven by our fears. Rather than addressing our kids' issues with empathy, consequences, and faith in God, we may try to control and even micromanage their lives. While this may temporarily lower our anxiety, it can result in kids who are dependent or rebellious.
Fear of the Lord starts by acknowledging God as creator and people as His creation. This is fundamental because until we recognize the limits of our OWN wisdom, we tend to depend on ourselves instead of God.
Our parenting decisions will be wiser when we have an accurate view of God's character and our position. When we acknowledge His sovereignty and goodness, we accept the limits of our control and we can trust Him even in the midst of painful or frightening parenting challenges. We can have faith that He sees the eternal purpose when we cannot.
Does this article strike a familiar note with you? You may wish to read this other article:
Fish Tale: Allowing Kids the Benefit of the Struggle.
Prov 9:10: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (NIV).
What is your biggest parenting fear? Academic failure? Social rejection? Drug abuse? Sexual impurity? Fear is a powerful motivator, and if we're not careful, we may find ourselves making parenting decisions that are driven by our fears. Rather than addressing our kids' issues with empathy, consequences, and faith in God, we may try to control and even micromanage their lives. While this may temporarily lower our anxiety, it can result in kids who are dependent or rebellious.
Fear of the Lord starts by acknowledging God as creator and people as His creation. This is fundamental because until we recognize the limits of our OWN wisdom, we tend to depend on ourselves instead of God.
Our parenting decisions will be wiser when we have an accurate view of God's character and our position. When we acknowledge His sovereignty and goodness, we accept the limits of our control and we can trust Him even in the midst of painful or frightening parenting challenges. We can have faith that He sees the eternal purpose when we cannot.
Does this article strike a familiar note with you? You may wish to read this other article:
Fish Tale: Allowing Kids the Benefit of the Struggle.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Ronald Reagan
DO YOU MISS THIS GUY?.....Enjoy these quotes from Ronald Reagan
'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'-Ronald Reagan
'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.' - Ronald Reagan
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.' - Ronald Reagan
'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.' - Ronald Reagan
'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'- Ronald Reagan
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'- Ronald Reagan
'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.' - Ronald Reagan
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.' - Ronald Reagan
'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.' - Ronald Reagan
'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'- Ronald Reagan
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'- Ronald Reagan
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A Father's GiftBy: John Shaughnessy
Click here for the full story.
Lakewood Moms: Please ask your husband to click on this link above, and read this inspiring article from All Pro Dads. If Dad is interested in doing something like this for our kids, please have them contact my husband Stephen, by email at sjmaduzia@verizon.net
Bill Bissmeyer shares the simple idea of a monthly breakfast that strengthens the bonds between fathers and their children, which has mushroomed into a concept that has been embraced by hundreds of groups in at least 40 states and six countries. He also describes “the miracle” that happens during one part of the special breakfasts—when each father stands up, introduces his son or daughter and then publicly shares at least one reason he is proud of his child.
“The look on the child’s face is like one of those time-delayed pictures of a flower blooming,” Bissmeyer says. “When the father introduces the daughter and says something sincerely about her, she literally grows in her father’s praise.”
“It’s nice to be just dad and the kids,” say Ben Stallings, a Roncalli parent and a father of five. “We did that when they were younger. It’s harder as they get older, and they have so many other things going on. It would be nice to do this once a week.”
His 15-year-old son, Ray, enjoys the time, too. “Me and my dad are real busy,” says Ray, a sophomore at Roncalli. “It’s nice to get up early and do this once a month. It gives us a chance to talk. I like that.”
The approach to the breakfasts is simple, Bissmeyer says. “The ingredients are: breakfast, kids, an introduction and praise from the father of the child, and a 10-minute speaker,” he says. “It’s kind of like saying you invented the cake when a cake has been around forever. You’re just showing people the ingredients to use.” He pauses and adds, “I never had an inkling that this would grow into what it has. It’s not to be credited to anyone except the individual father who takes the time to come.”
The breakfasts can get emotional for parents and children who don’t see each other on a regular basis because of a divorce. The emotion flows through everyone in the room when the speaker for the morning is a father who shares the story of a child who died.
“Every one of those fathers says the same thing, ‘Hug your kid,’ ” Bissmeyer says. “That’s their main message. Nothing else but
‘Hug your kid.’ ”
Monday, July 21, 2008
Kids are Bored?
Here is a fun list of activities that I got mostly from the All Pro Dads website. Some fun ideas for your next Family Game night, or whenever your kids say "Mom, I'm bored!"
IDEA BOX
Start with a tissue or shoe box and let your kids decorate it. When you come across an idea that strikes your fancy, write it on a slip of paper and place it in the box. Send them running to the idea box when they say they are bored. You can start by using some of the ideas listed below:
*Make a sponge garden. Soak a sponge in water and place it in a shallow dish. Sprinkle with alfalfa or rye grass seeds. Keep it moist and watch it grow
*Let your child finger paint with shortening on cookie sheets
*Create a mosaic by cutting construction paper into zillions of small pieces and gluing them to a sheet of paper to create patterns or scenes
*Make frozen fruit juice cubes in an ice tray
*Make a batch of homemade Play-dough. Recipes can be found online at http://www.theholidayzone.com/recipes/dough.html
*Spray paint two-liter bottles and use them for bowling pins. (Put a little water in the bottom of each one to weigh it down.)
*Make a bird feeder by rolling a pinecone in peanut butter, then in bird seed. Hang from a tree with string
*Have your children create books about themselves. They might want to include their birth date, handprints and footprints, drawings of themselves and their families and a story about themselves. These are wonderful keepsakes.
*Read and act out one of your child's favorite stories.
*Make a mystery bag by placing familiar objects in a pillow case. Ask your child to close his or her eyes, feel the objects in the bag and pick out the item you name
*Hide a small toy in a room. While the children look for it, give them clues such as, "You are hot" when they are close, and "You are cold" when they move away
*Put a sheet or blanket over a table and make a tent, doll house or secret hiding place. This is also a great place to take a nap or have a picnic lunch!
*Play hopscotch with your kids – all it takes is a little sidewalk chalk!
*Soak a stalk of cut celery in a glass of food coloring and a little water. Watch what happens the next day. (You can also use Daisies or Carnations for this experiment)
*Make a volcano. Mound dirt six to ten inches high and then clear a hole down the middle of it. Put 2 teaspoons of baking soda in the hole. Pour in some vinegar and watch your "eruption"
*Save pennies in a jar. When the jar is full, use the money for a family outing to the ice cream parlor.
*Picnic at a different park each week.
*Lie on a blanket in the backyard at night and look at the stars.
*Dress up and serve dinner by candlelight once a month.
*Have a sock fight. Roll socks into balls and throw at each other.
*Look at Me! Have your children observe you for a minute. Leave the room. Return to the room, having changed a small detail in your appearance. Can they guess? Take turns being “it”.
*Plan a scavenger hunt for items around the house.
*De-Clutter the closets and toybox, and have a garage sale of toys. Let the kids earn their own money to purchase something they’ve been wanting.
*Have a family car wash. Wear bathing suits and be ready for sponge fights and water squirt wars.
*Go on a long bike ride. Map your route before you leave, choosing new and interesting destinations each week
*Plan a special baking day and discuss what you will bake together. Distribute baked goods to neighbors and friends to be a blessing.
*Play the "message game" at bedtime: Draw letters on your child's back and have him or her try to decipher them
*Take your children on a "mystery date". Don't tell them where you are going or when the mystery ride will occur. Go to the beach for a picnic. Visit a children's museum. Go to the mall or a toy store and give each child $5 to spend any way they choose. Visit a grandparent or cousin. Bring them to a movie they've been wanting to see. Head to a lake or park. Just make when and where a big surprise!
*Put up a tent in the backyard and have a family pow-wow to talk about what happened that day. Who has a funny story to tell or something new to share? Can't build a fire? Microwave the S'mores!
IDEA BOX
Start with a tissue or shoe box and let your kids decorate it. When you come across an idea that strikes your fancy, write it on a slip of paper and place it in the box. Send them running to the idea box when they say they are bored. You can start by using some of the ideas listed below:
*Make a sponge garden. Soak a sponge in water and place it in a shallow dish. Sprinkle with alfalfa or rye grass seeds. Keep it moist and watch it grow
*Let your child finger paint with shortening on cookie sheets
*Create a mosaic by cutting construction paper into zillions of small pieces and gluing them to a sheet of paper to create patterns or scenes
*Make frozen fruit juice cubes in an ice tray
*Make a batch of homemade Play-dough. Recipes can be found online at http://www.theholidayzone.com/recipes/dough.html
*Spray paint two-liter bottles and use them for bowling pins. (Put a little water in the bottom of each one to weigh it down.)
*Make a bird feeder by rolling a pinecone in peanut butter, then in bird seed. Hang from a tree with string
*Have your children create books about themselves. They might want to include their birth date, handprints and footprints, drawings of themselves and their families and a story about themselves. These are wonderful keepsakes.
*Read and act out one of your child's favorite stories.
*Make a mystery bag by placing familiar objects in a pillow case. Ask your child to close his or her eyes, feel the objects in the bag and pick out the item you name
*Hide a small toy in a room. While the children look for it, give them clues such as, "You are hot" when they are close, and "You are cold" when they move away
*Put a sheet or blanket over a table and make a tent, doll house or secret hiding place. This is also a great place to take a nap or have a picnic lunch!
*Play hopscotch with your kids – all it takes is a little sidewalk chalk!
*Soak a stalk of cut celery in a glass of food coloring and a little water. Watch what happens the next day. (You can also use Daisies or Carnations for this experiment)
*Make a volcano. Mound dirt six to ten inches high and then clear a hole down the middle of it. Put 2 teaspoons of baking soda in the hole. Pour in some vinegar and watch your "eruption"
*Save pennies in a jar. When the jar is full, use the money for a family outing to the ice cream parlor.
*Picnic at a different park each week.
*Lie on a blanket in the backyard at night and look at the stars.
*Dress up and serve dinner by candlelight once a month.
*Have a sock fight. Roll socks into balls and throw at each other.
*Look at Me! Have your children observe you for a minute. Leave the room. Return to the room, having changed a small detail in your appearance. Can they guess? Take turns being “it”.
*Plan a scavenger hunt for items around the house.
*De-Clutter the closets and toybox, and have a garage sale of toys. Let the kids earn their own money to purchase something they’ve been wanting.
*Have a family car wash. Wear bathing suits and be ready for sponge fights and water squirt wars.
*Go on a long bike ride. Map your route before you leave, choosing new and interesting destinations each week
*Plan a special baking day and discuss what you will bake together. Distribute baked goods to neighbors and friends to be a blessing.
*Play the "message game" at bedtime: Draw letters on your child's back and have him or her try to decipher them
*Take your children on a "mystery date". Don't tell them where you are going or when the mystery ride will occur. Go to the beach for a picnic. Visit a children's museum. Go to the mall or a toy store and give each child $5 to spend any way they choose. Visit a grandparent or cousin. Bring them to a movie they've been wanting to see. Head to a lake or park. Just make when and where a big surprise!
*Put up a tent in the backyard and have a family pow-wow to talk about what happened that day. Who has a funny story to tell or something new to share? Can't build a fire? Microwave the S'mores!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Are you a Mean Mom?
Was your Mom mean?
I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy and poptarts for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others brought a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison!
She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.
We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds
and had eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life got really tough!
Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk
the horn when they drove up.
They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13,
we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mean mom, we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.
None of us have ever been caught shoplifting,
vandalizing other's property or ever arrested
for any crime.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!
I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy and poptarts for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others brought a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison!
She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.
We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds
and had eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life got really tough!
Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk
the horn when they drove up.
They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13,
we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mean mom, we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.
None of us have ever been caught shoplifting,
vandalizing other's property or ever arrested
for any crime.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
FREE Family Movies, Tues and Weds mornings
Yes, I said FREE!
Looking for something to do with the kids? Let's meet up at Keystone Theater on 75, and take them to a free movie!
* Two theaters, one plays a "G" movie and the other plays "PG" for the older kids
* 10:30 on Tuesday morning, OR 10:30 on Weds. morning
* Call me and let's get a group together!
Keystone Park Stadium 16
13933 N. Central Expressway
Dallas ,TX 75243
972-671-1020
Tues and Weds only:
Doogal (G)
and
Are We There Yet? (PG)
06/17/2008 - 06/18/2008
Rugrats The Movie (G)
and
Nancy Drew (PG)
06/24/2008-06/25/2008
Rugrats In Paris: The Movie (G)
and
Shrek The Third (PG)
07/01/2008-07/02/2008
Charlotte's Web (G)
and
Flushed Away (PG)
07/08/2008-07/09/2008
Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (G)
and
Daddy Day Care (PG)
07/15/2008-07/16/2008
Wallace And Gromit (G)
and
Water Horse: Legend Of The Deep (PG)
07/22/2008-07/23/2008
Stuart Little 2 (PG)
and
Mr. Bean's Holiday (G)
07/29/2008-07/30/2008
Everyone's Hero (G)
and
Bratz (PG)
08/05/2008-08/06/2008
Jonah: A Veggie Tale Movie (G)
and
Alvin And The Chipmunks (PG)
08/12/2008-08/13/2008
Call me and let's meet there with the kids!
Love, Vickie
Looking for something to do with the kids? Let's meet up at Keystone Theater on 75, and take them to a free movie!
* Two theaters, one plays a "G" movie and the other plays "PG" for the older kids
* 10:30 on Tuesday morning, OR 10:30 on Weds. morning
* Call me and let's get a group together!
Keystone Park Stadium 16
13933 N. Central Expressway
Dallas ,TX 75243
972-671-1020
Tues and Weds only:
Doogal (G)
and
Are We There Yet? (PG)
06/17/2008 - 06/18/2008
Rugrats The Movie (G)
and
Nancy Drew (PG)
06/24/2008-06/25/2008
Rugrats In Paris: The Movie (G)
and
Shrek The Third (PG)
07/01/2008-07/02/2008
Charlotte's Web (G)
and
Flushed Away (PG)
07/08/2008-07/09/2008
Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (G)
and
Daddy Day Care (PG)
07/15/2008-07/16/2008
Wallace And Gromit (G)
and
Water Horse: Legend Of The Deep (PG)
07/22/2008-07/23/2008
Stuart Little 2 (PG)
and
Mr. Bean's Holiday (G)
07/29/2008-07/30/2008
Everyone's Hero (G)
and
Bratz (PG)
08/05/2008-08/06/2008
Jonah: A Veggie Tale Movie (G)
and
Alvin And The Chipmunks (PG)
08/12/2008-08/13/2008
Call me and let's meet there with the kids!
Love, Vickie
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tips to Surviving Summertime with the Kids....
If there’s one phrase that strikes fear in the heart of a lot of parents, it’s this: summer break.
As a kid, there was nothing better than the three months of freedom between May and September. But fast-forward to life as a parent, and June, July, and August can often mean three long months filled with hot days, bored kids, and—if you’re the parent of college students—missed curfew!
Maybe you can relate?
If so, I’ve got some great news for you. Summer break can actually be a great time of learning and growth… even spiritual growth… for your kids. But it won’t just happen. It’s going to take some work on your part.
Now, what’s great is that it’s still spring. That means you’ve got a couple of months to plan ahead!
And while I can’t share everything you might want to consider to make summer the most it can be for your family, Michelle and I do have some helpful steps that might save you and your spouse some stress this coming summer.
The first step is to come up with a plan in advance.
One of the best things you’ll do this spring is to be proactive about what you want the summer months to look like in your home. In other words, define your expectations!
Talk to your spouse and decide what your expectations for your kids are regarding such things as neatness, chores, jobs, curfew, checking in with you, the amount of TV they’ll watch, computer use and video game policy, and summer reading.
That leads us to step number two: schedule a meeting with your kids.
Once you and your spouse have an idea of your expectations, plan a meeting with your kids.
Ask for your children’s input, listen to them, and mirror their feelings. Let them have leeway on the things you don’t care too much about. The more your kids feel like they’re a part of the plan, the more likely they will try to make it successful!
And finally, the third step to surviving summer is to set some general guidelines and be clear about your expectations.
Here are some other suggestions:
*Help your kids plan ahead by asking, “What are some new skills or activities you’d like to try this summer?”
*Allow your kids to contribute to the household by requiring them to do chores. But instead of just arbitrarily assigning chores, give them some options. Although it is often easier to just do it ourselves, chores teach our kids they are part of a family unit where everyone’s contribution is needed and important.
*Plan ahead and have potential consequences in mind. When your kids disobey, instead of lectures and nagging, give consequences consistently and with empathy!
*When they’re bored, instead of making it your responsibility to keep them entertained, ask questions and offer choices that encourage them to entertain themselves. Examples: “What are some things you could do to entertain yourself?” or “You might think about working a puzzle or reading a book. What sounds good to you?”
*Make eating dinner as a family a priority. Resist the urge to quiz them about their responsibilities and focus on making it a relaxed time of sharing. (No cell phones at the dinner table.)
* Encourage sports and outdoor activities. Find out what your kids like to do. Don’t just suggest what interests you!
*Encourage volunteer work, and make it a fun, family project. This helps your kids focus on others.
*By doing your homework before June rolls around, I hope summer will be a time of rest, rejuvenation, and growth for your kids, as well as for you and your spouse!
As a kid, there was nothing better than the three months of freedom between May and September. But fast-forward to life as a parent, and June, July, and August can often mean three long months filled with hot days, bored kids, and—if you’re the parent of college students—missed curfew!
Maybe you can relate?
If so, I’ve got some great news for you. Summer break can actually be a great time of learning and growth… even spiritual growth… for your kids. But it won’t just happen. It’s going to take some work on your part.
Now, what’s great is that it’s still spring. That means you’ve got a couple of months to plan ahead!
And while I can’t share everything you might want to consider to make summer the most it can be for your family, Michelle and I do have some helpful steps that might save you and your spouse some stress this coming summer.
The first step is to come up with a plan in advance.
One of the best things you’ll do this spring is to be proactive about what you want the summer months to look like in your home. In other words, define your expectations!
Talk to your spouse and decide what your expectations for your kids are regarding such things as neatness, chores, jobs, curfew, checking in with you, the amount of TV they’ll watch, computer use and video game policy, and summer reading.
That leads us to step number two: schedule a meeting with your kids.
Once you and your spouse have an idea of your expectations, plan a meeting with your kids.
Ask for your children’s input, listen to them, and mirror their feelings. Let them have leeway on the things you don’t care too much about. The more your kids feel like they’re a part of the plan, the more likely they will try to make it successful!
And finally, the third step to surviving summer is to set some general guidelines and be clear about your expectations.
Here are some other suggestions:
*Help your kids plan ahead by asking, “What are some new skills or activities you’d like to try this summer?”
*Allow your kids to contribute to the household by requiring them to do chores. But instead of just arbitrarily assigning chores, give them some options. Although it is often easier to just do it ourselves, chores teach our kids they are part of a family unit where everyone’s contribution is needed and important.
*Plan ahead and have potential consequences in mind. When your kids disobey, instead of lectures and nagging, give consequences consistently and with empathy!
*When they’re bored, instead of making it your responsibility to keep them entertained, ask questions and offer choices that encourage them to entertain themselves. Examples: “What are some things you could do to entertain yourself?” or “You might think about working a puzzle or reading a book. What sounds good to you?”
*Make eating dinner as a family a priority. Resist the urge to quiz them about their responsibilities and focus on making it a relaxed time of sharing. (No cell phones at the dinner table.)
* Encourage sports and outdoor activities. Find out what your kids like to do. Don’t just suggest what interests you!
*Encourage volunteer work, and make it a fun, family project. This helps your kids focus on others.
*By doing your homework before June rolls around, I hope summer will be a time of rest, rejuvenation, and growth for your kids, as well as for you and your spouse!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Summer Movies at Studio Movie Grill
Attention Moms!! Here is the listing of Summer movies from Studio Movie Grill on 75. Only $1 for kids, and $2 for the grownups!Email me at vmaduzia@verizon.net if you want to meet there at 11:00 am some weekday morning.
Three cheers for Lori Vogel, for emailing this list!
DO YOU know of something fun happening around town? Email me and I'll put it on the blog.
Love,
Vickie
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Teacher Appreciation Luau, Weds. May 21 at Noon
If you love our fabulous Lakewood Teachers, here's your chance to bless them! We are organizing a special Luncheon to honor our awesome teachers, coaches and administrators. We are going with a Luau theme to celebrate their long-awaited summer break!Teacher Appreciation Luau
Wednesday, May 21st
12:00 Noon
The Luau will be held in the school foyer (in back of the sanctuary) where we'll have tables set up for the teachers to sit down and enjoy their lunch. In addition to the Luau, we would like to be able to give each teacher a small gift. If you would like to contribute toward that, there is an envelope in the office -- look in the wooden tuition box for a colorful envelope with Hawaiian flowers!
Moms can bring salads and other luncheon foods (see below for list) and we will start setting up the buffet/tables/chairs at 10:45 am. We will need lots of help setting up and cleaning up, so please let us know if you are available, thanks!
There are many ways to help..... and many hands make light work!! It would be great if each mom could volunteer in one (or more) of the following ways:
1) Food and Drinks! This is of course the biggest need. See below for food list.
We will need enough food to set a buffet table to feed approximately 20 teachers, coaches and administrators, so we'll need lots of food. Since we can't get into the kitchen while class is in progress (science class), we will be serving mostly COLD foods and salads. Please call Vickie to help with food and drinks, vmaduzia@verizon.net
2) Decorations, Flowers for tables, and Paper items (plates, cups etc.) Do you have any party decorations or Tableware that looks like somewhat like a Hawaiian Luau? Please call Marilu, number is below.
3) Set up and Clean up helpers (set up at 10:45am, break down a little after 1:00pm) Please call Marilu, number is below.
4) Small Gift contributions. We are providing each teacher/coach/helper with a small gift to take home. If you would like to help contribute money toward the teacher gifts, there is an Envelope in the school office -- look in the wooden tuition box for a big envelope stamped with hawaiian flowers.
Please call one of these moms ASAP to volunteer:
Food/Drinks:
Vickie Maduzia, 972-495-6503 (h) or 214-724-2351 (cell)
Decorations; Setup & Cleanup help; Money for Teacher Gifts:
Marilu Dillahunty, 214-327-3954
**************************************************
SIGNUP LIST: we will be updating this list as we go:
* Sparkling Punch and fruity little Umbrellas for the drinks!
Mischika Mentzer
* Cut up Fruits
Jennifer Stocker, Cut up Watermelon
Susan Bryant, Cut up Tropical Fruits
* Fruit Salads:
Fruit Salad, Vickie Maduzia
Fruit Salad, Cherrilane Blackburn
* Green Salads:
Caesar Salad, Janet Small
Green Tossed Salad, Jody Parra
Greens & Veggies salad, Amy Northrop
Brenda Nale, Spinach Salad
* Chicken Salads:
Lori Vogel, Salad with chicken
Marilu Dillahunty, Chicken Salad with croissants
Blackened Chicken Salad, Marnie Parmenter
*Seafood Salads:
Shrimp Cocktail or Krab Salad, Carol Oakes
Seafood Salad, Jen Haessig
*Other Salads:
Pasta Salad, Jody Parra
Marinated Vegetable Salad, Vickie Maduzia
Rice and Orzo Salad, Susan Hepp
* Veggie Tray with Dips
Artichoke Dip with veggies and crackers, Susan Hepp
Christina Burton, Veggie Platter
Tortilla Rollups, Rene Mette
* Cold Cut Platter with Bread for sandwiches:
Theresa Schmidt, salami and cheese tray with crackers
* Yummy Desserts, of any kind!
Cheesecake slices, Kari Kloepper
Banana Bread, Kim Winkelmann
Chocolate Chip Pecan Pies, Marti Dunton
Cookie Tray, Diane Cozart
Brownie Bites, Jennifer Stocker
Fruit Tartlets, Jolly Hormillosa
Susan Vega, dessert
* Decorations! -- think Luau/Hawaii style!
Lori Vogel
Vickie Maduzia
Theresa Sutton, Flower Lei's
* Flowers for tables, Decorating helpers:
Terri Lovette
Cherrilane Blackburn
* Paper items (Cute plates, napkins, cups, forks etc.)
Shawna Dobson
*Setup and Cleanup Helpers
Vickie Maduzia, setup & cleanup
Marilu D, setup & cleanup
Terri Lovette, setup
Janet Small, setup
Carol Oakes, cleanup
Terri Lovette
Cherrilane Blackburn
Theresa Sutton
Brenda Nale
FRIDGE NOTE: If necessary you may leave food in the fridge when you drop off your kids in the morning -- simply mark the top with a sticky note that says "Luau" and we will retrieve it when we start setting up at 10:45am.
***************************************
THANK YOU for your help in honoring our awesome Lakewood teachers, coaches and helpers!!
"So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7).
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Moods, Moods and Attitudes ....
Here is Chapter 9 from the book we are currently reading for MOTTs club! Got this article from Dennis Rainey's website-- I hope you'll check it out when you have time, it's a great topical list of helpful parenting articles. Click here to go to the Rainey's website, and I also have this link listed on the home page of our MOTTs website, for your convenience!
By the way, our next MOTTs meeting is Weds., May 7th, 8:15am -- email me at vmaduzia@verizon.net for location and information! Love, Vickie
COMBATING ATTITUDE PROBLEMS, Chapter 9
by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Click Here to Print this page
Sometimes a teenager's self-oriented actions are just ridiculous. I (Barbara) was in the kitchen one morning, helping one of our girls finish making her lunch. A teenage mutiny erupted because we had no potato chips. I told her I was sorry that we were out and suggested some other options, to no avail. One child whined, “There’s nothing in this house to eat. Nothing for my lunch!”
In fact, there was enough food in the house to feed a platoon of Marines. I tried to point this out. “We’ve got yogurt, fruit ... ” But we didn’t have the one thing she wanted.
She got so bent out of shape over the potato chips deficit that I had to warn her, “You need to gain control of your attitude; this is not that big of a deal. I’m going to the store this afternoon. I’ll have potato chips tomorrow, but not today.”
Our daughter’s hysteria escalated even more. “You’ll need to come to school and buy my lunch!” she said. I tried to help her gain perspective and relax, but she refused to hear. She was so out of bounds that, to sting her selfishness, I grounded her from the phone for a week. Her disrespect and demanding attitude were inappropriate.
The punishment cooled her whining but did not completely extinguish it. Finally I said, “You know, honey, I am going to go buy potato chips, but you’re not going to take any in your lunch for a week, because you were so demanding.” Our daughter frowned and finally quieted down. What a way to begin a day!
This is the kind of petty and selfish attitude you will sometimes encounter and need to correct. Rewarding such behavior is out of the question. Resist the temptation to give in to some irrational demand just to calm the waters and ease the migraine headache. Take the aspirin. Don’t capitulate. (from Vickie: this word means surrender, I had to look it up!).
We suggest the following convictions be built into your child’s life to combat attitude problems in your family. (They are stated in first person to illustrate how the child should be able to articulate the conviction.)
1. If I am to grow up and become a true disciple of Jesus Christ, I must submit my will to my God.
Challenging our children to submit their wills to God requires formal and informal training. The years between 10 and 12 are crucial because you can teach them many basic principles of walking with God before they start displaying too much pride and rebellion.
One of the best tools we’ve found to shape a child’s convictions is to take him through the book of Proverbs, which is a child-rearing manual loaded with real answers to life’s traps and issues. Its pages repeatedly warn against pride. It’s a book about obedience. A book about wisdom or foolishness. A book about life and death.
If we had it to do all over again, beginning when each child was age 12 or 13, we’d discuss the entire book of Proverbs, chapter by chapter, once a year for the next six years. Twenty to 30 minutes a week of formal instruction from Proverbs will provide adequate warning about what happens to a proud, selfish, and foolish person.
2. I realize that how I submit to my parents’ standards and requests reveals whether my heart is full of pride and rebellion or is of a teachable spirit.
As our children approached their teenage years, we prepared them by talking about how their perspective of us would change. We talked about how the nature of the teenage years is to think that you know more than your mom or dad.
We told them what happened when we became teenagers and how it seemed that our parents started taking these “dumb” pills. “Almost overnight our parents were not cool,” we said. “They didn’t know what they were talking about. As teens we grew smarter than our parents.”
We have used this example on numerous occasions to connect with our teenagers and to let them know that we know what’s going on in their heads. This has been very helpful in talking to them about their pride and selfish perspective. Of course, we’ve talked with our children about the dangers of actually seeing your parents as stupid. We’ve shown them from Scripture how pride will cut a young person off from those who love him the most and are looking out for his best.
Arrogance and selfishness in a teenager often provoke emotional outbursts against a parent—often a mom. It’s important during these times never to forget who the adult is and who the child is. Patiently guide your child in the direction of a teachable spirit. To calm relational waters and encourage a softer heart, prayerfully direct your teen to take some time to get alone with God in his bedroom and write out what’s bothering him.
Some of the bigger mistakes we’ve made in confronting selfish attitudes in our children have come when we’ve decided to go toe-to-toe with them in an argument. A much better response is to ask them to get alone with God, gather their thoughts, and deal with their attitude by writing a letter to you.
3. I will learn how to deny my own interests in order to help and serve others.
One of the best cures for a selfish, me-centered attitude is to give ourselves to others. Jesus modeled this Himself when He said, “And whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your servant, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:27-28).
Be on the lookout for situations where you can help the preadolescent or young teen shift from a selfish focus to a focus on the needs of others. We know a mom who regularly took her son and daughter to a rest home just to get them to think of others. Later on, during the height of his teenage turmoil, her son came home from school one day discouraged and announced that he was going to the rest home to minister to one of its residents. A couple of hours later he returned home, fresh and encouraged, because his mom had taught him about giving to others.
The bottom line: Real life is about serving others with humility, whether in our relationship to Christ or with our brother or sister, who may need to borrow shirt, shoes, dress, or stereo. We are training the next generation how to walk humbly with God and to reach out to others with a servant spirit.
Remind yourself that Someone is even more interested in shaping your child’s character and dealing with pride, rebellion, and selfishness than you are. God has ways of getting a child’s attention that go way beyond any parent’s conniving or planning. He can humble a child very quickly. In fact, we have prayed that for our children. “Lord, you know this child has a problem with pride. Would you do what we can’t do? Would you in your gentleness and your love be compassionate and gracious enough to help correct this child in this situation?”
The good news is that most young men and women in the later teen years will begin to outgrow much of the petty selfish behavior. You may not see it until they are about to leave home or even until after they have left the nest. Persevere—there is hope! Repeat after me..... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Adapted from Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Copyright 1998 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.
By the way, our next MOTTs meeting is Weds., May 7th, 8:15am -- email me at vmaduzia@verizon.net for location and information! Love, Vickie
COMBATING ATTITUDE PROBLEMS, Chapter 9by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Click Here to Print this page
Sometimes a teenager's self-oriented actions are just ridiculous. I (Barbara) was in the kitchen one morning, helping one of our girls finish making her lunch. A teenage mutiny erupted because we had no potato chips. I told her I was sorry that we were out and suggested some other options, to no avail. One child whined, “There’s nothing in this house to eat. Nothing for my lunch!”
In fact, there was enough food in the house to feed a platoon of Marines. I tried to point this out. “We’ve got yogurt, fruit ... ” But we didn’t have the one thing she wanted.
She got so bent out of shape over the potato chips deficit that I had to warn her, “You need to gain control of your attitude; this is not that big of a deal. I’m going to the store this afternoon. I’ll have potato chips tomorrow, but not today.”
Our daughter’s hysteria escalated even more. “You’ll need to come to school and buy my lunch!” she said. I tried to help her gain perspective and relax, but she refused to hear. She was so out of bounds that, to sting her selfishness, I grounded her from the phone for a week. Her disrespect and demanding attitude were inappropriate.
The punishment cooled her whining but did not completely extinguish it. Finally I said, “You know, honey, I am going to go buy potato chips, but you’re not going to take any in your lunch for a week, because you were so demanding.” Our daughter frowned and finally quieted down. What a way to begin a day!
This is the kind of petty and selfish attitude you will sometimes encounter and need to correct. Rewarding such behavior is out of the question. Resist the temptation to give in to some irrational demand just to calm the waters and ease the migraine headache. Take the aspirin. Don’t capitulate. (from Vickie: this word means surrender, I had to look it up!).
We suggest the following convictions be built into your child’s life to combat attitude problems in your family. (They are stated in first person to illustrate how the child should be able to articulate the conviction.)
1. If I am to grow up and become a true disciple of Jesus Christ, I must submit my will to my God.
Challenging our children to submit their wills to God requires formal and informal training. The years between 10 and 12 are crucial because you can teach them many basic principles of walking with God before they start displaying too much pride and rebellion.
One of the best tools we’ve found to shape a child’s convictions is to take him through the book of Proverbs, which is a child-rearing manual loaded with real answers to life’s traps and issues. Its pages repeatedly warn against pride. It’s a book about obedience. A book about wisdom or foolishness. A book about life and death.
If we had it to do all over again, beginning when each child was age 12 or 13, we’d discuss the entire book of Proverbs, chapter by chapter, once a year for the next six years. Twenty to 30 minutes a week of formal instruction from Proverbs will provide adequate warning about what happens to a proud, selfish, and foolish person.
2. I realize that how I submit to my parents’ standards and requests reveals whether my heart is full of pride and rebellion or is of a teachable spirit.
As our children approached their teenage years, we prepared them by talking about how their perspective of us would change. We talked about how the nature of the teenage years is to think that you know more than your mom or dad.
We told them what happened when we became teenagers and how it seemed that our parents started taking these “dumb” pills. “Almost overnight our parents were not cool,” we said. “They didn’t know what they were talking about. As teens we grew smarter than our parents.”
We have used this example on numerous occasions to connect with our teenagers and to let them know that we know what’s going on in their heads. This has been very helpful in talking to them about their pride and selfish perspective. Of course, we’ve talked with our children about the dangers of actually seeing your parents as stupid. We’ve shown them from Scripture how pride will cut a young person off from those who love him the most and are looking out for his best.
Arrogance and selfishness in a teenager often provoke emotional outbursts against a parent—often a mom. It’s important during these times never to forget who the adult is and who the child is. Patiently guide your child in the direction of a teachable spirit. To calm relational waters and encourage a softer heart, prayerfully direct your teen to take some time to get alone with God in his bedroom and write out what’s bothering him.
Some of the bigger mistakes we’ve made in confronting selfish attitudes in our children have come when we’ve decided to go toe-to-toe with them in an argument. A much better response is to ask them to get alone with God, gather their thoughts, and deal with their attitude by writing a letter to you.
3. I will learn how to deny my own interests in order to help and serve others.
One of the best cures for a selfish, me-centered attitude is to give ourselves to others. Jesus modeled this Himself when He said, “And whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your servant, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:27-28).
Be on the lookout for situations where you can help the preadolescent or young teen shift from a selfish focus to a focus on the needs of others. We know a mom who regularly took her son and daughter to a rest home just to get them to think of others. Later on, during the height of his teenage turmoil, her son came home from school one day discouraged and announced that he was going to the rest home to minister to one of its residents. A couple of hours later he returned home, fresh and encouraged, because his mom had taught him about giving to others.
The bottom line: Real life is about serving others with humility, whether in our relationship to Christ or with our brother or sister, who may need to borrow shirt, shoes, dress, or stereo. We are training the next generation how to walk humbly with God and to reach out to others with a servant spirit.
Remind yourself that Someone is even more interested in shaping your child’s character and dealing with pride, rebellion, and selfishness than you are. God has ways of getting a child’s attention that go way beyond any parent’s conniving or planning. He can humble a child very quickly. In fact, we have prayed that for our children. “Lord, you know this child has a problem with pride. Would you do what we can’t do? Would you in your gentleness and your love be compassionate and gracious enough to help correct this child in this situation?”
The good news is that most young men and women in the later teen years will begin to outgrow much of the petty selfish behavior. You may not see it until they are about to leave home or even until after they have left the nest. Persevere—there is hope! Repeat after me..... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Adapted from Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Copyright 1998 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Six Needs of Adolescents
At the Sports Banquet last month, we sat with Brenda and Dan Nale. Dan told us about this great website for Dads -- it's called ALL PRO DADS -- and he even took the inititative to subscribe our email address -- thank you Dan! Stephen and I have been enjoying this site and I have listed the link on the Mott's site, in the section that says "Sites for Dads".Following is an interesting article that I copied from that site:
SIX ADOLESCENT NEEDS .... MEET THEM OR ELSE!
By: Dr. Greg Smalley, Psy.D. Printer Friendly Version
Parents of a teenage boy watched their son walk out to the father's truck, get in and drive off. "But I was firm with him," said the husband to his disbelieving spouse. "I did better than last time. For a couple minutes, I had him thinking he wasn't going to get the truck keys."
How many times have you felt the same way as this frustrated father? It can be very difficult when trying to deal with an adolescent. Adolescent! The name alone can send chills up the backs of many parents. It may seem like just yesterday that you and your teenager had a great relationship--one that didn't seem so confusing or frustrating. I'm not trying to imply that as your child moves into adolescence everything is going to change and become terrible. Every child is unique and will respond to the teenage years differently. However, what I can guarantee is that things will change. During this period of change, what does your teen need? Plenty.
Psychologist, Dr. Bruce Naramore states in his excellent book, Parenting Teens, that teenagers have six basic needs which need to be fulfilled during adolescence in order to become healthy, well-adjusted adults.
1. Develop their distinct identity and a sense of their uniqueness.
As parents, we can have a tremendous influence on their identity or self-esteem. By identity, I mean the way a teen feels about himself--positive or negative. There are some important things we can do as parents to help increase a teen's identity. First, help identify areas of interest. Every teenager has a particular area of interest or areas where they excel. Whether it is in athletics, music, school, art, or ministry, help your teen to identify his area of competence. Second, provide praise and encouragement. It is vital that teenagers receive praise and encouragement from parents or other influential adults.
2. Progressively separate themselves from their childhood dependency on their parents.
You can do something to help them during this transition. Get your son or daughter involved with a "mentor." A mentor can be a powerful force as teens develop convictions because "outside instruction" can make a special impression on their lives.
3. Develop meaningful relationships with peers and others outside the family.
As you may have already discovered, teenagers enjoy spending exceedingly more time away from home than they did at younger ages. Your adolescent's new found peer group is important in order to satisfy their need for companionship and fun, along with emotional support, understanding and intimacy. Although they still need these things from their families and other adults, it's vital in their development to receive these things from friends as well.
4. Develop their capacity to relate well to the opposite sex.
What can we do specifically to assist teenagers in making decisions about their relationships with the opposite sex? If you are considering allowing dating then develop a dating contract. Having a written contract helps take the pressure off guessing when a teen is ready to date. It's impossible to say that someone is ready to date at a specific age. Instead, dating readiness should be the result of a teenager displaying certain internal character qualities like honor, integrity, responsibility and resistance to peer pressure.. The dating contract can provide the family with accountability, fairness, clarity, security and togetherness.
5. Gain the confidence and skills to prepare for a career, economic independency, and other adult responsibilities.
Not only is it important to encourage teenagers in the areas that they have interest, but it is also necessary to teach them real skills. The straightforward teaching of skills to adolescents often results in increased achievement and, thus, in enhanced self-esteem. In other words, the more skills a teenager acquires (e.g., how to cook, change the oil, fix something broken, or build something), the better he will feel about himself.
6. Fashion their faith and value commitments and basic attitude toward life.
In a survey to over 5,000 adults, the question was asked, "How did your parents help you develop your own spiritual convictions?" Overwhelmingly, the number one response was: Church attendance. The significance is that church is an important way to help your teenagers to foster ownership of their spiritual convictions.
As a parent, what can you do to assist your teen as he or she masters these six important needs? You must make time when your teenagers need it--watching for teachable moments. Teens might go a whole day without seeking our help. But as Dr. Ross Campbell explains in his book, How to Really Love Your Teenager, teens have something like a "container" built within them and every once in a while they run out of "emotional gas." This is when they come up and need to be close to us. They need touching, listening, understanding, and our time.
When they do come to us, we must be careful what we communicate. If we say, "Not now, I'm busy," they'll observe what we are doing and compare their importance to it. After we have filled their "emotional gas tank" they usually are off to be with their friends. Maybe we haven't explained everything we wanted to say, but they're filled up. And that's okay. A teenager needs to know that he's valuable and that his parents are available at times when he needs them.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
New Blog for MOTT's !!
Welcome to my new blog, dedicated to the Lakewood MOTTs club!
MOTTs: Mothers of Terrific Teenagers!
You've heard of MOPS? This is the sequel :)
God put this idea on my heart a while back. When my kids were little, I attended a MOPS group at our church -- Mothers of Preschoolers. But as my oldest son kept growing taller, stronger, hairier... it occurred to me that mothers of teenagers need just as much support, maybe more!!! While we know God is guiding us, and is giving us wisdom and grace for the moment -- how much more could we grow, by networking with other Moms!
I sensed God's leading to begin a book club at our school several months ago as an encouragement to Moms who have teenagers at home. We gather once a month for coffee talk, fellowship, and sharing our hearts on what works (or doesn't work) with teens. I feel privileged to be a part of this group of fantastic moms, and it has been pretty wonderful to watch God knitting us together as friends.
Some discussion topics that we are visiting in our monthly meetings:
1) Technology.
How do other families manage cell phones, playstations, myspace accounts (gasp!) and other computer time? Sharing with each other about setting up time limits, computer passwords. What is our part in helping to safeguard their tender hearts while it seems the world of technology/media is always trying to lift up the floodgate.
2) Boys & Girls, Birds & Bees.
What is the secret to helping them stay content just being **FRIENDS!** without rushing ahead! Please Lord!!
3) Balance.
How are other families balancing homework and family chores.... against basketball, drama, choir, piano practice, etc. .... and still getting everyone to the dinner table by 6pm.
4) Other inspired ideas.
Let's talk about some of the wonderful ideas has God given us as Moms over the years! Sharing our favorite family games, recipes, cleaning tips, household routines, and family traditions that bond us together as a family.
I hope you will check this site often for updates. I am gathering helpful information from various sites and will post it here as an encouragement to Mothers of Terrific Teenagers!!
Love, Vickie
MOTTs: Mothers of Terrific Teenagers!
You've heard of MOPS? This is the sequel :)
God put this idea on my heart a while back. When my kids were little, I attended a MOPS group at our church -- Mothers of Preschoolers. But as my oldest son kept growing taller, stronger, hairier... it occurred to me that mothers of teenagers need just as much support, maybe more!!! While we know God is guiding us, and is giving us wisdom and grace for the moment -- how much more could we grow, by networking with other Moms!
I sensed God's leading to begin a book club at our school several months ago as an encouragement to Moms who have teenagers at home. We gather once a month for coffee talk, fellowship, and sharing our hearts on what works (or doesn't work) with teens. I feel privileged to be a part of this group of fantastic moms, and it has been pretty wonderful to watch God knitting us together as friends.
Some discussion topics that we are visiting in our monthly meetings:
1) Technology.
How do other families manage cell phones, playstations, myspace accounts (gasp!) and other computer time? Sharing with each other about setting up time limits, computer passwords. What is our part in helping to safeguard their tender hearts while it seems the world of technology/media is always trying to lift up the floodgate.
2) Boys & Girls, Birds & Bees.
What is the secret to helping them stay content just being **FRIENDS!** without rushing ahead! Please Lord!!
3) Balance.
How are other families balancing homework and family chores.... against basketball, drama, choir, piano practice, etc. .... and still getting everyone to the dinner table by 6pm.
4) Other inspired ideas.
Let's talk about some of the wonderful ideas has God given us as Moms over the years! Sharing our favorite family games, recipes, cleaning tips, household routines, and family traditions that bond us together as a family.
I hope you will check this site often for updates. I am gathering helpful information from various sites and will post it here as an encouragement to Mothers of Terrific Teenagers!!
Love, Vickie
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